The Hot Horse Sandwich

I am reasonably sure that I mentioned, somewhere around my New Year’s post, that I would at some point start blogging every other week. That starts after this post. That’s all I really wanted to say today.

Well, not to make any reader think that I made them come all this way for nothing, I have thrown in something I came across that was, for lack of a better word, funny as all fuck. It was also a contestant for one of the best Thomas Pynchon impersonations I ever heard. Frankly, I would love to make the Hot Horse Sandwich a thing that people in the know mention in hushed whispers, like the King in Yellow.

Let’s use urban dictionary to use an example to stay away from politics. So let’s just say i want to know what a boneless giraffe is. Besides the obvious. But I look it up bravely on good ol’ urban dictionary, and let’s just say that the first definition is that a boneless giraffe is a giraffe with no bones. Ok, that sounds pretty reasonable. The second definition says that it’s a sex act involving a gymnast, a half-pound of salt water taffy, treacle, and a tamed stoat. Um, ok? Is that true or not? And, you know, I’m ok with that, and everybody’s heard of that, but what if someone jumps on their and enters another definition? It says it involves a Portuguese language circus trope an ocelot and a honeycomb. That’s in there too. So which one’s true? Well, Wikipedia, look at that. I see Wikipedia cited all the time on student papers, and we try to tell them that you cant just use this one source. So the first hit you see, and then it in the paper.

Can I buy the domain ‘hothorse.com’ and claim there is a secret cabal of food carts selling horse sandwiches all over the lower east side if you just know where to look and on what day? Sure, I can put that up. I can put it on my domain, right? They can’t even make me take it down. It’s a straight up lie, as far as I know, and they cant make me take it down because i own the domain. You’re going to take hothorse.com from me when you take it from my cold dead fingers. But this is just the beginning of the problem. The proverbial tip of the iceberg. The internet was built for circular logic. The whole idea of it is that everybody can access everything all the time anywhere. The redundancy of the physical layer is just a meta image of the idea of circular logic. So Paul jumps on and tweets “HotHorse, it’s whats happening” Erin retweets it with a smiley face, and then Jeff says “Bah! The only good Hot Horse sandwich is in Philadelphia”.

The next thing you know Emiril is showing people how to make a Cajun boneless, and then its picked up on the CBS evening news, and AM radio tlk show hosts are talking about the plight of boneless horses or something like that. Pick whatever news source you want, disreputable or otherwise, and stick it in there, and all that gets retweeted 400 million times, and then Miley Cyrus leaks a nude photo of her eating a supposed vegan hot horse sandwich. Next thing you know, Space Force is searching for Jewish lasers on the dark side of the moon and the earth is flat.

I mean, that’s where we end up.

So what’s a mother to do? beats the hell out of me.

I think we are going to have to learn to do better. And read things with that cynical discerning eye that some of us have.

I mean, when the New York Post printed “Wolf Boy found in Subway (it did look a lot like Rudy Giuliani, I hate to say this) you didn’t suddenly have ‘anti wolf-boy’ people running for congress. It was the New York Post, you knew it was a joke. But with the internet, we just haven’t learned that discerning eye. My hothorse.com site looks just as good as the New York Post site. So the best solution is just to use Occam’s razor: the simplest solution is usually the best. And when that newsite says that pansexual space amoebas are coming for your children, you might just want to take that with a grain of salt.

Dr Doug White, Paul’s Security Weekly

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