Celebrities are assholes

This just in: Celebrities are asshole.

I know that statement is no 95 Theses, but I feel like enough people do not know  it. Why else would these idiots be worshiped as they are? Mostly it is because people are idiots and do not know what to do with their emotions. But I feel like this is something that needs to be repeated because people just don’t seem to get it.

A few nights ago (a few months ago) I was sat at work with pretty much nothing to do when I saw the security guard, who was watching something on her phone, getting increasingly emotional. I asked her what was going on, only to be given a story so boring that it felt like she was pouring molasses directly into my fucking brain. A few minutes into her description of how ‘everyone thinks that Cardi B hates so-and-so but in reality blah blah blah’ and my brain had fully crawled into a foxhole.

Normally I am all for de gustibus non disputandum est, but this made no sense to me. I had only been working at this place for only a few months, and already I had a pretty long list of encounters with the rich and fastidious. None of those encounters really made me like these people more, and in some cases it made me actively dislike them.

Back when I was still training, a pretty famous celebrity came into town and decided to stay in our hotel. How famous? I had seen him in a movie that is rather well-known. The entire time he was at the Front Desk he refused to make any kind of eye contact with me. Due to my lack of training, I fucked up making his key two or three times, and he had to come back to the front desk each of those times, and even when he came with neither his entourage or girlfriend he never once looked me in the eye. I am only guessing that I was like the turd of a medieval peasant to him, and how dare I even think that he showed shower me with his precious sight.

Alright, that could have been a one off. And in his defense, I was fucking things up pretty badly.

But not too long after that a rap group came to the hotel for a few days. One of the members was a paranoid shut-in who rarely left his room, and insisted that security check his floor hourly looking for perceived forces of evil. But another member ordered a late night pizza and ate it at the lobby with his guards. He actually spoke to me, and was rather nice (and in that he just looked like a middle aged man, I have no idea who this person was). But one of the other members looked at me from the other side of the hall like I was a dog that needed to be put down, and ultimately the whole group was to check out when they were denied the ability to have a late night pool party.

Another famous actor came in while shooting for some other movie in town. This person had recently been in two blockbusters. The night I met him I had his ipad for some damn reason and I was told to guard it with my life. But a couple of weeks later this guy called to reception in the middle of the night, kindly requesting that someone go get medication for him from 7-11. The on shift engineer went, at three AM no less, to pick up the medicine, and when he delivered it it was snatched out of his hand without even a thank you. Because the receipt was in the bag, the engineer couldn’t even be reimbursed for it.

A more recent encounter happened with the members of 1970’s rock band (who, for some reason, are still touring) who waited longer than they would like to have for security to retrieve a package at four in the morning. This story too had an element of being our fault, but he took his irritation a bit to far by cursing loudly in the lobby, and making it clear that he was never going to stay in this hole again.

I hear you dude. I wouldn’t want to stay here too. But, y’know: chill.

All of this makes me wonder what will happen if that security guard ever has a shitty encounter with the celebrities she has reverence for. It sure would be interesting to find out. I’ll never get to experience this because I don’t really have heros, and I wouldn’t want to met them if

I did1. Currently I am dealing with the Washington Redskins, but they are under too tight a training schedule to be all that annoying. They do eat what is a forbidding amount of food for us mere mortals, and in the process of doing this they have pissed people off. A dude came into reception the other day with a dozen cookies and a gallon of milk, throws it on the counter and says “It’s for room ****, I ain’t got time for their shit today!”

I feel you, cookie man.





1A friend once suggested I go pay a visit an author I like, and I had pretty much no desire to do it. That relationship is extremely one sided at best – while I know a fair amount about that person (which may be biased or not exactly true), that person knows exactly fuck all about me. That person would really have no reason to give a shit about the conversation we had. Not to mention, it would just be fucking weird.


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