I am starting to hate my neighborhood.

When I first visited the place I approached it from the north. Doesn’t seem like an important detail to  you, does it? Well turns out that it is. Approaching from the north is about the only way you can easily get to the front of the house. You see, the house is situated on a one-way street in a neighborhood that is a clustered fucking mess of one way streets. This means that it become a bit of a game to see how many turns it takes to actually be able to park my car when I get home.

But here is the rub. I can’t park in front of my house. I have to park in the rear.

All street names have been anonymized to protect me.

None of these initial starting points are more than a half mile radius from my  house.

Because American cities are largely boring fucking grids, there are only four ways I can get home.

SOUTHBOUND:

From Zero avenue turn right onto C street, drive past my house till you get Second alley, make a left and go up till D alley, turn left and drive back towards my house till you can make a left to park in my backyard.

 

NORTHBOUND:

From Zero avenue turn right onto E Street, go down till Third Street, turn right and go down till you hit B street, turn right again till you hit Second alley, make a right and go up till D alley, turn left and drive back towards my house till you can make a left to park in my backyard.

 

WESTBOUND

Go down E Street till you hit Third Street, turn right and go down till you hit B street, turn right again till you hit Second alley, make a right and go up till D alley, turn left and drive back towards my house till you can make a left to park in my backyard.

 

WESTBOUND ALTERNATIVE WHICH I ALWAYS FORGET ABOUT

From E street turn right onto negative second street, drive forward till you hit C street, make a right then drive a couple of blocks till you pass my house, then keep going till you get Second alley, make a left and go up till D alley, turn left and drive back towards my house till you can make a left to park in my backyard.

 

LAST, WORST, AND MOST FREQUENT

EASTBOUND

From E Street make a frustrating left turn onto eighth street at a light that lasts maybe 6 seconds and is packed with people too busy instagraming their shoes to pay attention to the fucking light. Go down eight street till you hit C street, which for some fucking reason isn’t one way here.  At fifth street make a left (because for some reason C street now becomes one way) and go down till you hit B street. make a right onto B and go down till you hit Second alley, make a right and go up till D alley, turn left and drive back towards my house till you can make a left to park in my backyard.

 

Fun, right?

Let’s throw a Minotaur into the mix!

A Minotaur can be represented by the various construction crews that seem to live in my neighborhood perpetually (Edit: nope. They live in this fucking city in perpetuity). Every fucking day they appear randomly to fix a different intersection. Some days they appear in two different places, one in the morning and one at night. You’d be surprised how often I found myself not able to park my car because the entrance to my alley is blocked off. At that point, I have to drive around and find parking elsewhere.

Lovely.