Shitty Chinese Flatmate… round 2!

(For those of you confused, in that you are wondering why I am talking about China even though I mentioned last post that I was finished, please note that these posts are written months in advanced. Also, I am very likely still in China working my way out)

As I sit here and write, I am sat on my sofa awaiting the bathroom. I have been doing so for the past twenty minutes or so. My flatmate is currently in the bathroom. That I know of, he is not walking in there with his phone. The last Chinese flatmate did, and I know this because for the hours at a time that he was in there you could hear the sound of sitcoms, game shows, and video games coming from his phone.

I’ve made this sit torturous for me by implementing a month long YouTube, so effectively I have little else to do while I wait for this idiot to get out the bathroom but sit here and listen to him. Every few minutes he groans under strain, like Sisyphus pushing his boulder. More drama than not, he make sounds of pain and relief.

This man’s morning constitutional is the 13th labor of Hercules.

If there is one thing I have learned in China, its that the concept of dietary fiber does not exists here. Its really a shame for them. This guy isn’t the only one. When I am unfortunate enough to need the bathrooms at work, I hear the people in the stalls straining in a similar fashion. With this knowledge in mind, what other assumption could I have made when, after coming home from a late night of drinking I found the bathroom wastebasket filled with toilet paper sullied with shit and blood.

Eat some fiber, idiot.

Dietary and bathroom issues aside, at least he isn’t wiping his ass with the showerhead, like the last guy.

The guy is well off. You see it in his clothes, you see it in his belongings. You could see it in the fact that when he moved in he talked about his car, but the minute it become inconvenient for him he took it back to his mothers house. You see it in the fact that he is unemployed. I am sorry. He is self-employed, which I guess means that he stays at home all day and plays computer games. He claims to wake up early and work, but every morning when I wake up to work I go into the living room, and I can hear the idiot still slumbering. He usually wakes up around 11, when groggily he walks to the bathroom and tries to pee into the toilet, though most of it makes it to the floor. He then goes into his room to work, where you hear him play computer games. For the rest of the damn day. Till he goes out again at night.

It could be worse. One time he came out into the living room to eat an apple. Horses make less noise. He gave a chunk of the apple to the rabbit and the rabbit made less noise eating it. He then took a massive pull of water from his cup and let out an extremely loud “AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!” just to let us all know that the water was cool and refreshing.

He describes himself as ‘a business man’. He can’t tell you what he does except out of those vague terms. He is a consultant.  I asked him what he specializes in, and he explained to me that he gives advice. Yea, I figured that’s what consultant meant, moron.

Like any poorly written super-villain, I am pretty sure you can guess what this guys origin story is.  Here is my guess, interspersed with the various clues I have about him; he told me that he comes from a line of successful artist, his grandfather being a world-renowned calligrapher and his parents also being within the arts. How all that happened through the cultural revolution remains a mystery. But he also is concert pianist, and I don’t think this is something poor people do. But he told me he grew up poor. Anyway when this guy finished high school he wanted to travel around the world so mommy and daddy paid for him  to ‘backpack’ from hotel to hotel, meeting people as he went. He showed me some pictures from his travels and he looked like an uptight kid who didn’t get it. This is coming from me, an uptight kid who didn’t get it and not and uptight adult who doesn’t get it. He also looked like a colossal nerd then, to contrast the long hair of rebellion he sports now. I suspect he think it makes him look handsome. I have no idea. Regardless, the trip abroad makes him think himself worldly. This, and being cool, are fundamentally important to him. Which explains some of his behavior; living here with us foreigners when he could easily afford his own, private place: always talking about the clubs he is going to or the concerts he will be playing with that air of bravado: having an opinion of some kind on any and every subject under the god damned sun.

I hate people who have opinions on everything.

So towards the end of this writing both me and this lying idiot need the shower. The hot water tank is full. The tank is full because I fucking filled it. But he needs to leave first, so I let him shower first. Normally the tank has enough water for three people to shower, if those people are considerate of others. Or, one Chinese flatmate. thirty-five minutes later, he comes out having used all the god damned water. But worse, he comes by wrapped in nothing but a towel, his underwear sopping wet in his hand.

The fuck. Why, why do you wash your underwear in the shower.

Even the most well off of Chinese still act like peasants.

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