How my buddy almost lost his shit

Some time ago me and my buddy decided to go see X-men Apocalypse. We chatted on our walk to the cinema and as we walked down a street that while not crowded still had plenty of people on it the person in front of us decides to fart. Loudly. He didn’t bother to look up from his cell phone afterwards, nor did he seem at all embarrassed by what he did. He just farted in our faces and went on about his day.

My friend had just come back from Taiwan after a long stretch here in China, and the very civilized behaviour there impressed him deeply. It was hard for him to come back here knowing full well how rude people here in China are.

The movie going experience was average for China, meaning that our enjoyment was interrupted ony three times by the moron sitting behind us, who just had to take his 10:00pm phone call right then and there. But several seats behind us other people were taking other calls, because that is just how things are in this country. While watching the movie I was starting to be convinced that my friend just might just turn around and do something about the rude moviegoers (all of them), something all of us fantasize about but never actually act on.   The movie concluded (with semi-regular interruptions) and me and my buddy left to go to the parking lot and discuss the movie’s one greatest flaw; the serious lack of Oscar Issac performing kick-ass dance moves.

The last-minute decision to watch this movie meant that my buddy had skipped dinner, and while the popcorn soda and sunflower seed combination had gotten him through the film by the time we left he was craving something much more substantial. Thankfully, providence had provided. On this street corner, just like at every other street corner in China, was a cart selling street food. We stood at the street a little longer debating whether or not he wanted to commit to the street food when suddenly destiny made the choice for us. Quickly approaching was a municipal truck spewing a noxious gas into the air. It was insect control, and the canister meant to kil mosquitos was aimed right for us. Me and my buddy scrambled out of dodge, but we seemed to be the only people moving in such a direction. Everyone around us stayed perfectly still as they were coated in raid, and most noticable of the people who didn’t move were the owners and operators of the food carts. They also made no effort what so ever to cover the food they were selling.

As the horrible smell of insecticide invaded our nostrils, we watch the as the displayed food took a direct hit from the mist exiting from the canister. The contamination seemed obvious. And no one except me and my buddy seemed to give the first shit.

And then my buddy snapped. “What the fuck is wrong with these people!”he screamed. “Is it possible that they don’t care about anything? Where else in the world would municipal workers let food get coated with insecticide and no one give to shits about it?” He then proceeded to complain about everything else that had been happening to him here in China. I should say that this is tremendously out of character for my friend. He is normally the nicest person I know, a person who is overly apologetic to a flaw and doesn’t have a bad word for anyone. Outbursts like this are not what he does.

Instead of getting food, we went to a corner store and picked up some beer, then sat down for a session of unloading all our hatred for this country. I don’t feel like I could put all his grievances here, but they were numerous. My friend has lived here for four years. Most people only last one. There is a reason for this, and that reason is that China is a shit hole. Thankfully, I don’t have a readership to alienate and can thus get away with saying such things.

For now, I guess I will continue to dance on dynamite, waiting to see how long I last before I go out of my lunch as well.


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